I long attributed my fewer hours of sleep to stress and a mind in perpetual overdrive when I was a student, and later throughout my professional career. I always figured that once I retired and removed most of these stress factors, I would be able to sleep better . . . at least a little better. This has not proven to be the case, however. Over the past decade since my retirement I still find it difficult to get more than four or five hours of sleep nightly, and what sleep there is not all that satisfying. My circadian rhythms march to their own drummer.
Growing up I never really gave my sleep patterns much thought. I went to bed when I got tired, although some times this would not be until the wee hours of the morning. Never one to stay in bed, I would get up when I woke up which was frequently before 6am. Nervous energy propelled me into each new day; I had things to do and places to go. Throughout my school days I more often than not did my homework in the early morning hours when I felt somewhat refreshed. I was never concerned with the few hours I actually slept each night. I got enough sleep and I just figured these were the rhythms governing my earthy existence. This was pretty much my routine until I graduated from college.
Then something disquieting happened. Shortly after graduation I relocated from Florida to Arizona to begin graduate school and suddenly I could not sleep at all. I’m not talking restless or bad sleep. I’m talking no sleep . . . eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling no sleep. I had never before suffered through real insomnia. Sure, a night here or there, but never night after night. I suddenly felt terribly alone – far from family, fiancee and friends – when it seemed all the world around me was fast asleep. Everybody but me. There was no rest; my mind spinning into overdrive. It began to play tricks on me as it grew cluttered with thoughts and distractions that had no rhyme or reason in reality. You know it’s not real. You want to stop it, but you can’t. You can no longer focus on what is tangible and real and the loneliness grows. I found myself with a bad case of the look arounds.
There could have many been many reasons for this insomnia after my arrival in Tucson. I had come to the city and the campus of the University of Arizona sight unseen. I did not know a single soul and I had no idea what this new graduate program would involve. That was enough to cause anyone some sleepless nights. I would go to bed each night exhausted and I assured myself that sleep would finally come. But such was seldom the case. I laid there for hours on end with my eyes wide open as the night dragged on, each one slower and more anxious than the one before. Prior experience with occasional sleeplessness did not help me cope with this dilemma.
I always tried to avoid caffeine and alcohol late in the day and I often found that a simple change of venue could prompt better sleep. I would move downstairs to a couch or a chair in the den for a few hours . . . maybe even watch a little television or try to read . . . before returning to bed for the rest of the night. Such a change of venue was not practical during those early days in Tucson as I spent that first semester in a residence hall until I had time to search for more pleasant and private accommodations. There were stereos playing at all hours and noise in the hallways. I sought out the libraries when I needed to study and that dormitory room was simply a place to store my possessions and to sleep (or not). So I had to seek out another solution, a more drastic measure to either induce sleep, or if that failed, to at least avoid staring into the darkness until dawn.
I quickly became a midnight wanderer, leaving the dormitory and wandering the nearby streets in search of an all-night café where I might huddle over cups of strong coffee and slowly work through my graduate reading list and make notes for the coming day’s seminars (I was working toward a Master’s degree in German literature). Frequently I would wander the campus at the dawning hour to watch the sun rise over the Rincon Mountains. All of this was well an good in their own right, but it did not change the fact that I was unable to sleep. And the sleepless nights were beginning to take their toll. I have never been a big fan of, or an advocate for, sleeping aids be they folk or homeopathic cures, or worse yet, over the counter or prescription medications. "Artificial sleep" has never been true sleep in my book. And there was always the fear of addiction.
Several weeks of sleeplessness in Tucson, and the fear that perhaps some sort of medical problem might be the culprit, brought me to the campus infirmary, and later to the university hospital’s emergency room. They could find no explanation for my inability to sleep. Then one morning I awoke after a mostly sleepless night and discovered that my eyes would no longer focus properly and I was unable to study. A visit to an optometrist and I was soon fitted with corrective glasses which I continue to wear 46 years later. Thankfully I made it through that first semester and my sleep patterns gradually improved. Not to my satisfaction, but I learned to function with less that the prescribed hours of nightly sleep. I stopped worrying and tried to make the best of it.
A few years ago I finally submitted to a sleep study and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. More than likely I have lived with it for years and this might explain my frequent bouts with insomnia at varying degrees. But now I finally have a name for my problem and a strategy to combat it. These days I usually sleep attached to a CPAP [Continuous Positive Airway Pressure] machine which delivers constant and steady airway pressure to keep the throat more fully open throughout the night, preventing apneic" events - breathing stoppages - which has the added benefit of usually reducing or eliminate snoring. Not only am I able to sleep better, but I am less likely to suffer not so subtle shoves and kicks from my wife when I my snoring began to rattle the windows.
Things have generally improved as I have grown older but this does not mean I don’t still suffer through restless or sleepless nights, now mainly due to lower back pain and hip problems which often make it impossible to sleep in a prone position. So there are still nights when I have a case of the look arounds although they are not as pernicious as they once were. Such is the penalty for growing older.
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